I found out recently that I’m a really bad hiker. I always thought I was pretty good at hiking. I’m in decent shape. I have those special hiking poles and I wear my little pack with the hydration bladder and I carry matches, iodine tablets, a flashlight, bug dope, sunscreen and whistle, as well as a nifty yellow rain poncho in case of emergencies. And I always have trail mix, although I eat all the chocolate chips first, and Im sure really good hikers would never do that!

But over the last couple of “pandemic” years my husband and I had the chance to hike on the Appalachian Trail in Northern Maine.

We met many people “through hiking”. Have you heard of this? People with an abundance of time and very little sense actually hike the Appalachian Trail from Georgia to Maine in one go.

We saw several of them on the trail. They are very good hikers, crazy people but good hikers. Very good hikers, through hiking the Appalachian Trail, unlike me, who is just bumbling along for 2 or 4 or even 6 miles! Judging by the giddiness they expressed when we greeted them on the trail in late September, it was clear they were very close to finishing their months long journey north.

I couldn’t help but compare myself to them and find myself lacking as a hiker.

First, they’ve spent months on the trail with a back pack smaller than the cosmetic bag I would need just to transport my 200 dollar anti aging creams.

Second, they seemed to know precisely where to go. This shouldn’t be too difficult because there are white blazes on every tree. But the really good hikers are good at spotting the white blaze marked on a birch tree. I’m not so good at that. I had trouble paying attention, and several times my more attentive husband or daughter would point out the trail had just turned and I had missed it!

 On a recent day hike, my daughter (who is the good hiker in the family!) planned a hike that incorporated 3 ponds, for potential moose spotting, on 3 different trails, and a bush whack off trail to join the Appalachian Trail at Rainbow Stream. My husband had wanted to see the Rainbow Stream Lean To on a prior hike, but because I was leading, we got off trail several times and ran out of daylight before we had to turn back Our daughter, the good hiker, was able to get us on all the right trails, and sure enough we made it to the lean to.

Another couple, through hiking, arrived shortly after we did planning to camp overnight and when they found the 4 of us there, they looked horrified. luckily, we weren’t staying the night so they seemed much happier as we were leaving. Of course, we were useless to them, not only bad hikers, but also we didn’t have a recent weather report to share with them. Apparently being off the grid for months at a time is not so bad, except for finding out about weather!

Lastly, all of the through hikers carry a small folder up mat attached to their pack. Apparently, they can sleep on that mat at night and actually be able to walk at dawn. They find a little lean to in the middle of the woods, with a log floor, and this mat somehow “protects” them from the logs. or maybe they are just so darn happy to get off their feet after a day of hiking that they just don’t notice. I’d like to say they are young, but I saw several older than I am!

Many through hikers have a sponsor or two, and I was thinking I could get Temperpedic, the makers of those form fitting pillows and mattresses, to sponsor my hike. Instead of carrying the mat, I could just strap Temperpedic pillows around my neck, back and between my knees and hike with them on my body. I’d look like less like a hiker and more like a pricey Swiss watch nestled in foam inside one of those velvety boxes. When I got to the lean too, I could just fall on the floor and sleep. Which is pretty much what would happen if I hiked all day for months anyway.

Of course, I would need someone to prop me back up again the next morning, to start another day as a bad hiker.